Semperdistans

Why do you cry when nobody’s listening? What makes you sigh to the mists of the morning? What won’t you tell me of demons that plague you? Why won’t you tell me, when I want to help you? Is there a mystery you hold to your bosom? Is it your feelings that scare you away? Are you afraid I’ll ignore all you tell me? Should I ask you these questions anyway? Probably not.

Ugh.

There you are, standing by the side of the road, with an expression on your face that tugs on my heartstrings, and plays them as if I am the guitar which you fondle so, and here am I, watching and waiting, always at a distance, never getting any closer to you, even when you hold me in your arms and tell me you love me, and we whisper to each other all the night through until dawn peeps through the curtains and we sink into sleep in each others’ arms. It is as if you, the real you, the you in the very centre of yourself, is in another country, and I am left with the husk to content me. If only you would just open up to me, talk to me, tell me how you feel, but you never do, do you, you just shrug and say “I’m alright” even when you clearly aren’t. God knows I’m not good at that either. When was the last time I told you about my actual feelings? When was the last time I opened up to anyone? I think you and I need to have a little talk, don’t we? Heaven knows why I’m talking to you as if you can hear me when you can’t. Why do I speak to myself like this? I have so many questions, and none of them seem to have answers. Maybe because I am too scared to look for them. I shall have to talk to you, shan’t I? I shall have to tell you about how I feel. I wish I were better at talking. Words come so easily in my head, so much so that I think I am talkative, but out loud they are stuttered and stilted, and come slowly and haltingly, and sparsely at that. You are the same, I know. Perhaps that is why we were drawn to each other. It is such a silly thought. Such a silly thing. Two people who cannot speak to each other, how is that a healthy relationship? But there we are, such things happen. We shall simply have to make the most of it, I suppose. Right. Talking, talking, talking. Talking.

I suppose I am going to have to simply tell you how I feel. All of it. Right, I’m going outside. I am definitely going outside now. I — I don’t know. I’m scared to talk to you. I’m scared to know. But I have to. We can’t go on like this. It’s not healthy. Right.

“Hello,” I say.

Just a short thing that happened to come to me as I sat, I thought I may as well share it. Exactly five hundred words today, it’s becoming something of a habit. Title is a Doctor Who reference because why not, it’s a portmanteau word the old lady played by Sian Phillips (I do love Sian Phillips) makes from the Latin semper, or always, and distans, meaning, surprise surprise, distance, and it fitted better than any other title I could think of.

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